With Only The Stars As Our Witness
by Hanschen-Rocks-My-Socks
Summary: He tells me its just for tonight, that he had a hard day, that his Papa had been particularly harsh, anything, but I know that isn’t true either. Its never just for tonight ...Hernst, very mild Ernstie angst..


**Hey! So, yeah this is my first attempt at writing something like **_**this**_** normally, even in English coursework, I try and stay away from writing 'properly', it just not me because I never take anything serious enough, and I really struggle trying to get that Romantic/Angsty vibe thing going… so here's my veiled attempt at the soppy crap…^_^**

**Proofread by the lovely _Hansi And Ernst Sitting InATree_**

**Disclaimer- If I owned Spring Awakening , I would share out the characters…but somehow I don't think there's enough Hanschen to go round =(**

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With Only The Stars As Our Witness

I want to cry and I want to laugh every time I see him, standing there with that delicate smile pasted on. The only time he's not his stage persona is around me – he trusts me, though he never admits it out loud. I like to pretend he loves me, when he says my name, so soft, so gentle and he lifts me into his arms and holds me tenderly. He tells me that he loves to sit outside with me and watch the sun rise, when we're both away from our parents, from the other children, from anything but each other and the stars.

He also tells me that her never means anything by it, that I'm the only boy that's will let him do these things to me, but I know it's not true. He tells me its just for tonight, that he had a hard day, that his Papa had been particularly harsh, anything, but I know that isn't true either. Its never just for tonight – its for that night, and the night after, and the night after that, and every time he comes back and holds me. He never cries but I can feel his thin breath, the way his voice is brittle as he tries to hold it back, and I like to think that, perhaps, afterwards, while I'm asleep, he weeps for me and all the things he's lost. He tells me it's just for tonight, but I think he's afraid. Afraid of himself and everyone else. He must remain Hanschen Rilow, nothing better, nothing worse. Nothing changed.

But I would change anything for him.

Outside of our world, our world of silence or sweet words that should mean nothing but mean everything, our world of the stars and the cool night air and each other , I must remain dutiful, quiet, Ernst Robel, just as he must remain Hanschen Rilow. We pass each other in the schoolyard and exchange nods but never smiles because smiles are too intimate, saved special for our private afternoons together, when we can smile freely. The other boys think we hate each other, or at least don't like each other very much. If only they knew.

I don't want them to know. Not even the girls whom I trust greatly. I want this to be our secret, dear and whole, even if it ruins us. The privacy makes it that much more exciting, that much freer. If we made it public, even only to the girls, it would no longer be our special moment; it would be everyone's to share.

I see him standing in the vineyard, by our tree, his back to me as he gazes at the moon. He hears me coming. He turns to me, and that glass smile spreads over his handsome face. He holds out his arms for me, and I walk into them, letting him enfold me in warmth after a long day of cold, taking his scent, his breath in my ear.

He says he won't be here one night, but I know he will be. He always is.

_I know._

We always stand like this for a long time, with my hands on his chest and his arms wrapped firmly around me, saying nothing, just enjoying the wholeness of each other, the sensation of a lover against us, something we can never have but share between each other. His heartbeat is so strong against my own.

The wind is brisk but we keep each other warm.

He starts by gently kissing the top of my head. He always does. Tonight is no different from all the other 'One Nights', and he's raining kisses down on me, on the tips of my ears, the nose on my upturned face, my lips.

He pushes me, with strong arms, against the tree, not stopping the bouquet of kisses. He pulls away and trails his fingers tentatively from my temple and along my jaw line. I'm staring right back at him as I always do, asking him with my very soul if he's even there. His eyes are dull and yet they shine with unshed tears, and he's kissing me.

"Only tonight," he swears to me "Only tonight."

"I know," I whisper back, breaking contact, staring at the spotted night sky as he tests the skin on my neck with his lips, maps my hips with his hands. I do know. I know he will return to me, but tonight I make it the last night, because every night is the last night and I never want to miss it.

And while we pledge ourselves to this secret and the sun begins to rise, we are alone, with only the stars as our witness.

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**Hmm…I'm not sure about this, Ernst seems a little OOC to me, anywho, thanking yous for reading…**

**If you don't review, Hanschen might decide not to be there one night, and we can't do that to Ernst, can we? **


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